goodtomizas

Joe played the indulgent fine mist sprayer and Lenora the innocent little girl. When she became the naughty child all hell was let loose. Both wanted mommy to comfort them. But they hadn't agreed that before hand.

Joe was mesmerized when he saw the new hire at work. Lenora was tall, blonde and without any makeup. A whiff of vulnerability glazed with competence wafted up from her body. But what really got Joe hooked was her voice. It oozed of innocence sucking him into her orbit.

Like a cat starved of milk, Lenora lapped up Joe’s attentions. She enjoyed being spoilt. Joe anticipated and catered to her every need and desire. Lenora became suspicious about Joe’s motives. Doubts seeped into every crevice of her waking life. There was not one air pocket of trust left. She acted fast and frenetically - dating several others, spending money recklessly, and placing herself at risk of being evicted from her apartment. Better to take charge now than to risk being abandoned by another man who reneged on his promises to take care of her.

When Joe discovered Lenora was lying his fantasy was decimated. Gone was that sweet innocent girl who treasured the hand that fed her. He saw a 30 year old woman who behaved like a spoiled ungrateful teenager. A volcanic tantrum spewed from Joe. Hot streams of painful lava spilled out, burning the bridge that once connected him to Lenora. She felt the searing heat of the lava and melted into a confused and scared mess. Worn out and empty, Joe’s tantrum subsided leaving cooled hard rocks of rage strewn around the scene of the singed relationship.

Like two siblings vying for the attention of a sacrificial parent they hurled those rocks of rage at one another. Both ‘children’ screamed in pain unable to soothe themselves or each other. Joe and Lenora both wanted ‘moms’ simultaneously. Lenora longed for a hug of forgiveness, reassuring her that she was still loved. Joe craved the response of a flawless, totally devoted mother figure committed only to him at all times. Their unwritten contract was in shreds.

Joe retreated into his original pact by taking on the father/teacher role once more. He lectured Lenora on his rules of conduct. Relief spread over Lenora. She had been spared the axe, and she promised Joe all he asked of her. They were back on track. Joe was the ‘parent,’ and Lenora the ‘obedient child’ The relationship was working again.

Joe’s bargain specified that Lenora play the child he didn’t like in himself. He hated the whiny, ravenous demanding child in him. So he gave it to Lenora and controlled it by killing her with kindness. It worked so long as she was ‘good.’ Lenora gave Joe her adult careful, controlled, problem solving self. She managed it by being a “good girl” so Joe would continue indulging her. That way she could avoid the adult burden of costs and consequences. Then the eruption happened. Joe’s child became naughty and he couldn’t control it. Lenora’s adult became angry and punitive and she went to pieces.

There is a chance that Joe and Lenora could learn to be interdependent on one another in a mutually satisfying way. A new contract needs to be drawn up, involving the children and adults that co-exist inside Lenora and Joe. Below is what they need to consider to create a realistic and workable agreement.